3rd day in hospital ... part 2 ...

As usual, a round up of today mean:

Breakfast: peanut, fishcake and minced pork porridge:

This is rather blend because no soy-sauce nor pepper. But the fish cake taste yummy as it is the only thing taste salty.

Lunch time is Pork Bratwurst with mushroom sauce.
You can tell that this is boil rather than grilled. Notice the generous serving of vegetables? And seriously, oil-less.

But it still taste good. If you let me eat like this, I'm ok ... how did they make everything to healthy and still tasty?

And ... dinner ... yes, you won't believe me: Mutton Bryani on banana leaf.

OK, though the mutton is, yes, boil but the curry is tasty, not very spicy. Except for less oil, everything taste just like my favourite Mutton Bryani.

Went for CT-Scan this afternoon at 4pm, I think the result will be out tomorrow morning. The CT-Scan basically is to have visual on my lower abdomen to determine the cause of the pain and bloatedness when hungry and after food (last for an hour).

Senior Surgeon Doc. Selvam has indicate that he will contact a gastric specialist on the CT-Scan as well as a Liver Specialist to determine the function level of my liver. He is more relieve as he spoke, as if to tell me everything should be fine and if there is anything wrong, it can be fix.

This afternoon before I leave for CT-Scan, a hospice nurse visited the patient directly opposite me. Like my mom, he has liver failure, and the doctor is saying that chemo, resection and medication can no longer help him. He is 57 years old and once his fever subsided, he will be discharged.

The hospice nurse spend a lot of effort to introduce the subject of death to him, and he readily acknowledge the un-desire. He finally request in that fateful moment, he want to tubes, no opt and only pain killer to enable him to leave in certain level of comfort, among his love ones. The nurse promised, "it will be so, we can do this."

Mom's final stage of liver failure carries sign of swollen hands and feet, jaundice on the eyes as well as whole body, literally turn yellow and pain on the back. Than she went into a stage of confusion and character changes, totally lost control of her behaviour and bowel. This is the most trying period. Shortly she slip into coma, but can respond to conversation by movement of hands and feet. This is the period where doctors will administer heavy dose of morphine to eliminate any pain. During this stage, her eyes literally turns into jelly and you know life is leaving her. The coma stage can last very long depends on the will of the patient, mom lasted close to a week. But on a particular day, I woke up at 2am, took a cab to SGH and talk to her till 6am. I am close to mom, I will be the one translating the English TV programe for her, and she loves animal documentary. By 6am, she no longer respond to my conversation, and the muscles are less tense. I told her I need to take a nap and go to work and will be back at night to chat with her again. Shortly after I left for work at about 8am, mom left us.

To date, liver related diseases were given the lease attention in medical research. Partly because most patients are Asian and from the poor countries of the world. Doc Lee Wei Leng once criticised A*STAR on The Straits Times for giving little to no attention on liver diseases related research which is one of the main killer disease in Singapore. She express disgust on a national funded body performing only profit base research on medical areas that does not critically concern Singaporean. I can't remember if A*STAR retorted her criticism. Today, Liver disease is still the lease research area and mortality rate is a high 70%.

If you have not take your Hep A & B vaccine, please do immediately.

My prayer goes with the man opposite me ... may all his sincere wishes comes true.

3rd day in hospital ...

The ultra-sound result is out: liver, pancreas, kidney, stomach and intestinal are fine, no visual sign of cancer. That is a great relief for everyone concerns, especially for Bee. She sounds happy and I'm glad. It hurts to see her sad or suffering.

The senior surgeon came and told me that they need to investigate the unusual high alpha-protein, enzymes in the urine and the reason of the intestinal bloated. Further check will be required on the liver function as well as the gastric function. I may need to be ambulance to NUH and SGH for such test. Details to be out later.

The next bed patient is in his late 60s, heard him talking to the senior surgeon that he is not afraid to die, but must die with dignity and not bring inconveniences to others. How I wish that will always be the case. As I always said, we are not bigger than life, definitely no match with death.

The limitation of this frail human body is not just for one self, it provides an opportunity for others around us to benefit. I often think, the historical Buddha could evaporates to thin air or simply self-cremate. He need not suffer his disciples to take care of him when he is old or stricken with sickness during the last few days of his life. However, having chosen to be reborn in human form, he clearly understood the lesson this body can brings to his disciples, that everything, absolutely everything is inter-dependent. There is nothing existed on itself and will never be - this is emptiness.

The benefit of being able to care for the sick, provide for the needs, lending a helping hand in similarly indistinguishable gesture, are the very lesson we need to adhere. We depend on each other and that includes your pets, the animals, the plants, the water, etc. During this trying moment, it is our friends who provided us the support. And you know something, if not because of Rain, we will never have met Joey & Julie. If not because of Shine, we would not have met Janet, Joy and the other doggy friends. If not because I still choose to stay with my current employer despite the very difficult situation we are in, I would not have experience very nice bosses (seriously, not boot licking here) and great colleagues. Ricky, the disposable underwear fits ... ha ha ha ... thanks. I have been wrong to classify different types of "friends" and try to create different protocols in dealing, all of them are my friends, my benefactors. I'm dependent on them and they on me, we are all into samsara.

There is no life-long enemy, and don't make any, it will be enemy with yourself.

The nature of everything is illusory and ephemeral,

Those with dualistic perception regard suffering as happiness,

Like they who lick honey from a razor's edge.

How painful they who cling strongly to concrete reality:

Turn your attention within, my heart friends.

~~ Nyoshul Khenpo ~~

OK, I'm hungry, 15mins more to yummy lunch.

2nd day in hospital ...

This morning went for the ultra-sound scanning so got to miss breakfast.

I have to change to another room in the middle of the night cause the other two patients are keeping me awake. Not their fault at all, they are suffering from some extreme discomfort. Some of the subjects on the book I'm reading talks about this. Many time we wish to lead a long life but forgetting that as this body age, minor sickness can bring immense physical suffering. Rinpoche is not suggesting that we should all die young, he is emphasizing that what we see as good, may not have any benefits at all - for self or others. Since we are not bigger than life, there is no point worrying or fighting. We just need to accomplish this life purposes, even in our battle over sickness.

The contrary is, Buddhism believe that it is extremely difficult for one to be reborn as human, what more to be reborn as human with the ten extra-ordinary assets. Birth, age, sickness and death comes to everyone regardless of status, race or religion. It is so silly for us to cease death, in fact, we should be prepared towards death cause this is where we all will end.

I have no confidence that fear of death will not grip me, in fact, even if I will live till 80, I think I'll still have fear of dying, I will think of hundred of reasons to justify that I should live on for a few more years. That's exactly what we are: totally un-prepared. I have given much thought on the teaching and I hope it can treasure in me and prepare me for that final day, when it eventually dawn.

The stuff and nurses of AH are really great, that's the reason why I prefer here. I warded in AH many years ago and that good experience lingers and once again proven. Maybe the location of AH makes it ... less commercialise and less competitive in spirit? I really enjoying myself ... ha ha ha ...

OK, the food here is good. I manage to have my curry chicken for lunch and I tell you, it is good, tasty.

At night I have stewed beef with mushroom sauce, yummy. Not forgetting still got afternoon tea: dao-suan.

The blood test result is out. OK, I'm not HIV positive (mandatory check by MOE) and there is a high level of alpha-protein. Alpha-protein is a sort of cancer marker that determines if there is cancerous cells. The normal human have two digits alpha-protein but mine is three digits, so that tells you something. However, it is still not conclusive because other digestive related sicknesses such as gastric will also cause an increase of alpha-protein. Therefore, the ultra-scan result is critical.

If the ultra-scan came back and verify that it is cancerous, than a CT-Scan will determine its location and size so that the doctors can decide what's next. I was reading various web site today and it seems the National Cancer Centre Singapore is the right place to go. They have achieve 60% success rate in liver cancer procedure and have on going research on this subject.

The other one will be Parkway Cancer Centre, but I think being a private hospital, this is going to be expensive.

Any other suggestions?

1st day in hospital ...

Warded into Alexandra Hospital today suspect acute liver infection. Don't exactly know what that means, anyway ...

Very bless to have a group of caring friends like Joey, Joy & Julie. They help me to keep Bee company and transported her because our doggy car can only move after 7pm.

My boss, Nick also came, with three Linux/PC mags to keep me company, nice.

Anyway, the service here is really good, the menu are great and food is tasty. Had fried dory-fish for dinner just now and curry chicken for lunch tomorrow . . . ha ha ha ...

Tomorrow I'll be undergoing a series of tests to determine the course of my condition.

Just some history, my mom died of liver failure/cancer, so I am 200% more prone to develop liver failure.

At this point, I am reading "The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying" by Sogyal Rinpoche. It has been sitting in my book shelve for many months and finally I can start reading now.

Completed a few chapter and realise that I am so un-prepared for death. OK, it is not that I wish to die, but who can guarantee that you can determine the time of passing away? Suddenly I came to my senses that all the practices and charities I did were for prosperity, health and success. Nothing, absolutely nothing is prepared for a time as such. This is really refreshing. I pray, my precious guru, the essence of the three jewels and three roots, will keep this message in my heart and change my motive around.

Lastly, I pray that I can attend Zurmang Gharwang Rinpoche's programme and the programme of Jamyang Khyentse Rinpoche's programme this month.

LAMA KHYEN NO
Lama, thinks of us.

DRIN CHEN TSA WIE LA MA KHYEN NO
Kind root lama thinks of us.

DU SUM SANG GYE KYI NGO WO
Essence of the Buddhas of the three times,

LUNG TOK DAM CHO KYI JUNG NE
Source of genuine Dharma in scripture and realization,

PHAK TSOK GEN DUN GYI NGA DAK
Master of the noble gathering of sangka,

TSA WEI LAMA KHYEN NE
Root lama, may you think of us.

JIN LAB THUK JE YI TER CHEN
Great treasure of blessing and compassion,

NGO DRUB NAM NYI KYI JUNG NE
Source of the two siddhis,

TRIN LE CHI DO KUN TSOL DZE
Buddha activity that grants whatever is desired,

TSA WEI LA MA KHYE KHYEN NO
Root lama, may you think of us.

This and that thoughts ...

Life is truly interesting.

An event can quickly turn your emotion, aspiration, and even purpose around.

There are two events emerging at this point, both are not certain and the outcome unknown. I am not overly anxious over either one because there is no way I can thwart the results.

As a practising Buddhist and an ordinary samsaric being, I have my aspirations and wishes. I cannot guarantee all my sincere wishes can comes true. There is also no way I can ensure that if they do, it will be all good.

But I do pray that my sincere prayers can be realise.

Recently I have a very strong inclination with 喃无大慈大悲观世音菩萨, the recitation of Om Mani Padme Hum brings tears and in one visualisation, the whole room transform into the Mandala of Chenrezig for a short moment. I put it in Chinese because that is the exact name that comes to me. Not Chenrezig nor Avalokiteshvara but 喃无大慈大悲观世音菩萨.

I read an account, a testimony that I cannot trace now, and it goes like this:
~~~~~

This guy in his ealy 20s had a failed business, driven to the brim of suicide. Just before he commit the act, he came kneeling at the feet of 喃无大慈大悲观世音菩萨 and pray that if his situation can be spared, he'll do whatever 观世音菩萨 will instruct him. Within the week, his business regain momentum and within months, he is out of his business crisis and continues to grow.

Many years past and he is now in his mid 30s. His wife had a difficult labour and both her life and her baby are in danger. The man recalled 观世音菩萨 and once again went before Him and pray. He confessed that he has neglected his promise but am now wish to renew his vow so that the life of his wife and his baby will be spare. Shortly after his prayer, he got a call for a successful delivery by his wife and both live are safe. Overjoyed, he rushed to the hospital to meet his loved ones.

The man is now in his late 50s, a very influential business man but he is contracted with terminal illness. The doctor gave him less than a year to live and encourage him to make good use of his life. Devastated, once again, he went before 观世音菩萨 and confess his neglect of his promises but pray that 观世音菩萨 will enable him to provide for his love ones and witness at least one of his grand children got married. After the prayer, life goes on and he make sure his remaining days are put to good use and spending time with his love ones. In a routine medical check, the doctor report that his terminal illness are miraculously recovering. True enough, six months later along with medical care, he fully recovered.

This time he remembered, went back to pray before 观世音菩萨 and asked, "now You have see me through three crisis and yet, You did not come after me to fulfil my vows, please tell me what can I do for You?" His prayer is met with silent, no signs nor thunder.

He went home and continue on with his life but constantly looking for ways to benefit others and treasure the vow he made in case one day he is ask to fulfil them. He help the poor, love his family, try to be a good man, help out Dharma activities, assisted the Sangha and assisted a temple (a famous one, whom the testimony comes from) in securing and financing a piece of land. He is now living pass 70s.

One day, in his dream, the appearance of 喃无大慈大悲观世音菩萨 visited him and spoke gently saying, "you have fulfilled all your vows, I am very happy."

The man, in awe, replied, "but what is Your tasks for me?"

观世音菩萨 replied saying, "all that you did positively to others are all that I want from you."

~~~~~
The heart of Buddha and the magnitude of His compassion ~ 喃无大慈大悲观世音菩萨

I did not fabricate the above story, I don't think it is on the web. Probably in one of the free booklet that I picked up in temple. The booklet comes with contact details of the man and everyone are welcome to verify. That's why it imprints strongly on me.

If there be any exaggeration or error, it is purely mine.

May your heart be bless and have a great weekend.

Eight years ago ...

I met Bee through a friend, classmate to be exact, who happens to know her through an ICQ, who happens the Bee injured her ankle and on MC.

That's the past, and, as you know, we went on courtship and got married.

6^th October, 2001, Saturday @ 11:15am, we were officially husband and wife, Mr. & Mrs. Chan . . . the story just got started.

There isn't much point reminiscent the past … what lies ahead is more precious to cherish. Since we never going to know what will meet us tomorrow or a week later or a month later. We want to be in all our future together, well, at least, that's what I wish I can give her.

There are no great promises that I'll becomes an angel or earn lots of money that she no longer needs to work nor will I stay healthy forever never to let her worries nor I will not leave first. She has brought much into my life and so have I brought much into her life. We have rough edges that may never get smoothed. We are not couple matched in heaven nor enemies from hell. We are not deadly attached like peas & honey. But we put breath into each other.

My Guru cannot promise us that we can ever meet in all our future rebirths, even if we will, will we be life-long partner or enemy? This is the only life we'll ever going to be together, the 20+ or, fortunate enough, 30+ years are all it left for this life. So, let us enjoy our differences, fighting life till the end with our different strokes. Turning this life story into one that completes our journey through Samsara.

That much I like to assure Bee that I'll stay by her and with her as long as I breath.

I bet not many people saw our wedding photos ... I shall upload them tonight.

FAQ on nutrition

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.


Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.


Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!


Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.


Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!


Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! ..... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?


Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.


Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!


Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.


Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:
'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming WOO HOO, What a Ride'

AND.....

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
   

CONCLUSION

Eat and drink what you like.
Apparently speaking American English is what kills you.

Mark Shuttleworth keynote: Coordinated Software Released

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Mark Shuttleworth keynote: Coordinated Software Released

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A short story ...

Among the first generation of Milarepa's students was a brilliant scholar named Rechungpa. Even though Milarepa advised him that integrating practice is more important than mere textbook study, Rechungpa set out for India anyway, intent on receiving classical instruction at one of the great Buddhist philosophical institutions existing at that time. Indeed, Rechungpa studied diligently with many great Indian scholars and saints.

When he returned to Tibet after many years, his old master Milarepa came to welcome him on a barren plateau. After they had exchanged greetings and discussed Rechungpa's studies for some time, a voilent hailstorm suddenly broke from out of the sky.

There was nowhere to hide in the flat open plain. Milarepa spotted a yak horn on the ground and quickly took refuge inside of it - without the horn becoming larger or Milarepa becoming smaller.

From this dry shelter, Milarepa sang a song letting Rechungpa know that there was still plenty of space in the yak horn ... if only his student had realized the nature of emptiness.